Hey kids. Crystal meth is created by cooking the ephedrine or pseudoephedrine found in cold medicines or weight loss aids. The pills are crushed into powder, then blended to a steady boil with other solvents like starter fluid or Coleman fuel. This creates a bubbly, sudsy chemical reaction which can be strained through one of your children’s diapers and set aside to dry in the basement or living room.
The foaming white, crumbly residue can be smoked in a traditional, contemporary American crack pipe made from glass or ceramic
[high in 3-5 minutes]
– or placed gently upon a small sheet of tinfoil, heated from below with a cigarette lighter and the vapors inhaled
[high in 2-3 minutes]
. If the end product looks more like crystals than powder, they can be melted over a spoon, sucked into a communal syringe, and injected into your bloodstream
. If you just want to put it in your mouth and swallow, you have to wait fifteen minutes. A single dose of meth lasts for six to eight hours. The identical portion of cocaine would get you high for maybe twenty minutes.
Dr. Mary Holley, obstetrician and chairperson of Mothers Against Methamphetamine, informed the Associated Press that one’s initial hit of meth is the equivalent of ten orgasms all on top of each other, each lasting for 30 minutes to an hour, with a feeling of arousal that lasts for another day and a half. She is quick to confess that the effect doesn’t last long: “After you’ve been using
about six months or so, you can’t have sex unless you’re high. After you have been using it a little bit longer you can’t have sex even when you’re high. Nothing happens.
And you’re not obligated to keep referring to it as methamphetamine, Poindexter. Popular slang for this drug of course includes crystal, but more commonly tina – a corruption of the word sixteen, based on the concept of one sixteenth of an ounce. When you see Craigslist classified ads from people searching for a “party with Tina,” you can rest assured they’re willing to spend anywhere from three to five dollars.
Eighty percent of meth comes from Mexican drug cartels operating in the desolate expanses of central and southern California. Enterprising individuals armed with orange rubber hoses stretched like octopus arms across gas torches heating Big Gulp cups of isopropyl alcohol can make about 280 doses per concoction – provided there’s enough cat litter to absorb stray toxins. With commercial-grade lab equipment, a single basement can churn out close to a million units every two days using high-thread-count Martha Stewart linens to filter solids from liquids. The Oregonian reports that California’s Central Valley, according to Fresno prosecutor Carl M. Faller Jr, is “Columbia for meth”.
Might a portable meth lab in your car adequately pimp your ride? The Narcotics Digest Weekly tells of a federal grand jury in Kentucky who indicted two men for concealing ice methamphetamine in a motorized, 3-foot hobby rocket – connected by wires to the vehicle’s cigarette lighter. If stopped by police, the men planned to open the trunk of the vehicle, raise the methamphetamine-filled rocket into launching position using a string and pulley system, and launch the rocket into the air. These two men now host Methbusters on the Discovery channel.
Creating methamphetamine is a dangerous process. The chemicals and solvents are more than just flammable; they’re highly volatile and downright explosive. If you’re bubblin’ up paint thinner in a $19.00 Family Guy coffee mug you ordered off a web site – and it cracks in half over the Spider-Man 2 laser pointer doubling as a Bunsen burner – well, nobody ever said finding the perfect recipe was gonna be easy. It’s not Julia Child in the kitchen, it’s Julia Child on meth in the kitchen: and she’s in there whackin’ on turkeys with croquet mallets and makin’ those weird meth faces, going duh with all her stupid meth friends, knocking the pie into the propane, and generally being careless. When meth ingredients explode and glass containers burst, hot sticky chemicals splash outward in every direction. Meth labs don’t “catch” fire, they’re instantly placed into a state of violent, raging fire climbing up the walls and ceiling of your trailer home or apartment complex. So wear an apron. Nothing beats a picture of a burned-out Volkswagen bus meth lab with an upside-down teddy bear in the corner.
Perhaps investing in better lab equipment becomes pointless when (a) it might blow up at any moment, and (b) the police can seize all of it at any time. Individuals busted for developing in-house meth labs now face the same scrutiny as captured sex offenders: in December of 2005, the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation launched an Internet Registry of convicted methamphetamine manufacturers.
In North Carolina, crystal meth is considered a weapon of mass destruction, invoked in accordance with the Patriot Act under the state’s Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Weapons Act. Under the law, a meth conviction results in a sentence ranging from 12 years to life in prison on each count.
“The difference between a sex offender and someone involved in illegal narcotics is that you can get out of the illegal narcotics business,” claims Sergeant Jason Grellner, commander of the meth unit in Franklin County, Montana. Mug shots and photographs of the offenders will not be included in the online expose, primarily because most rural sheriff’s departments can’t afford all that big-city digital camera paraphernalia.
One side effect of these new drug laws is the practice of “smurfing,” a colloquialism so poorly coined it brings to mind only a handful of uptight squares or parents who don’t understand. Smurfing is the act of considering every possible store in your area which might sell products with pseudoephedrine, driving to each store, and purchasing that store’s two-package limit. The reason it’s called smurfing is because large groups of meth addicts can be seen assembled together in this ritual, standing in a big conga line, clutching bottles of blue cough medicine. Plus if you squint your eyes and you’re a totally uneducated huckleberry from Sticksville, Stupidland – something about the whole deal reminds you of a bunch of Smurfs. Which makes the police Gargamel and the DEA Azreal. The word smurfing was originally a banking term which described the process of evading government scrutiny by breaking up one single mammoth financial transaction into many smaller ones. The term has been further corrupted to describe forging packets on a computer network to produce denial of service attacks.